"More dialog!" he shouted."Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic!"

As I mentioned yesterday, I *love* dialog. It's probably the best part of writing for me. But  it is also something very delicate. Like origami birds, or those really flimsy urine sample cups that you are certain will fall apart as you bring them to the desk. 
Yes, I just compared dialog to a urine sample. Deal with it.

Dialog is like a urine sample. Christ, I should write for Hallmark.

I say dialog is fragile because it is easy to get it wrong. It is easy to use it too much (I wince every time I have a character speaking for a paragraph. It's like diluting my oil reserves or something). And it is easy to make it flat and boring so that it detracts from your story. I won't go back into the "Movie Trailer Lines" stuff that I talked about yesterday, but you should always think about what you want to accomplish with your dialog. If you do this, you can make a powerful tool of your character's voices.

An example? Okay. Anyone who knows me (and my writers' group mates have heard this so much that they will roll their eyes if they read this) knows that I like to read stuff where what the characters mean is different from what the characters say. 

This has nothing to do with my blog post whatsoever. But it makes me laugh.

 

There's something about the multiple layers of innuendo that really makes my brain happy. Here is an example, from The Beast of Maug Maurai, Book II, where two characters are speaking about something without ever actually addressing it. But a message is sent and received. The set up: Sir Jastyn Whitewind sees Lord Aeren chatting up Sir Jastyn's bloodwife/girlfriend. Lord Aeren is unaware of a relationship between Sir Jastyn and the girl. Sir Jastyn calls Lord Aeren out. Aeren figures out the relationship, but too late. 
Now, the scene:

Sir Jastyn led Aeren toward the edge of camp. “Aeren Threncannon,” he said. “Are you aware that I have faced your brother four times in the tilts?”

“That many?” asked Aeren, playing his part.

“Four times,” replied the knight. “I unhorsed him each time. Beat him in swords twice, as well. And once with maces.”

Aeren smiled wryly. “I do seem to recall something of the sort.”

Jastyn made a show of looking Aeren up and down. “You seem … quite a bit smaller than your brother.”

“Aye, Sir Jastyn, I am,” said Aeren. “But I make up for it in other ways. I’m a fast learner, for one.”

Jastyn smiled and thumped Aeren on the shoulder. Hard. “I’m certain of it,” he said. “You seem a very bright sort of fellow.”

“Sometimes not bright enough.”

Jastyn put his arm around the younger lord. “I am very happy that we spoke.”

“You really unhorsed him all four times?” asked Aeren as they made their way back to camp. Jastyn smiled.

“Violently.”

Okay, so the translation. 

Jastyn: Mess with my woman again and you will be a stain on the carpet moss.
Aeren: Chill, brother, I figured it out. I won't touch the bitch.
Jastyn: *Points two fingers to his eyes, then those same two fingers back at       Aeren* I'm watching you.

But I never said any of those things. There is not one direct comment made in the conversation. And this speaks to something I hadn't mentioned in my last post about dialog. Intrinsic versus Extrinsic. And this, too, is something that makes eyes roll in my writers group. I talk about it a lot. 

An Extrinsic conversation is a conversation that is out on the table. Everything is spelled out. Only complete strangers speak extrinsically. And even then, there are intrinsic parts. Here's a sample extrinsic conversation:

"Hi, I'm new here. What kind of sandwiches do you have?"
"All of our sandwiches are on the board. Where are you from?"
"I'm from Turkey. I just got here and hope to some day bring my family over."
"Than maybe you'd like a turkey sandwich." Laughs.

Okay. Everything is pretty straightforward. There is nothing hidden, no innuendo. Now for an Intrinsic conversation. This is the same two characters, a year later, after many visits to the shop by our Turkish friend. 

"Marty!" says the Turk.
"Hey Mamet. Tuna on rye, coming up."
"What do you think?" asks Mamet.
"I think he's going to lose the election. You get the visa's?"
"She's coming next week. And my father the week after that."
"Tebrikler!" shouts Marty.
 "Teşekkürler!"

Okay, these are two people who are *tight*. They know each other well. They've spoken often. They don't add details to the conversation because it's more efficient for them not to. And both of them know the details, so there is no need to speak them. Intrinsic writing can be confusing to the reader when done poorly (kind of like our example above). But when done correctly, intrinsic dialog can make your characters leap off the page and draw your readers deep into your story. Poor extrinsic dialog makes it seem as if the characters are speaking only for the reader. You've read it. When the character says something like:

"Oh, Thomas, my brother, if only our parents hadn't been killed by roving mongols, we wouldn't have had to sell ourselves into slavery and find ourselves now without peanut butter in this kitchen belonging to our master. Too bad our sister isn't here, but as you know, she is in a harem in Bangladesh now and we have both sworn to free her someday."

 That's actually quite fun to write. *laughing* But it's crap writing. So, if you pull anything from this rambling blog post today, try to remember Intrinsic versus Extrinsic. The more Intrinsic you can make dialog, without confusing the reader, the better your dialog will be.

Overly Extrinsic conversations are like this. Don't do this.

 


Thanks for listening!

"Dialog!" he shouted.

I thought I'd take a break from my marketing adventures to talk about something that I really love.

"You've already told us what it is, you dolt."

"No," I say. "Not directly, I haven't."

"But we know already. It's in the damned title of this post. In dialog, never tell us what we already know."

"Oh," I say. "Well, I just thought that --"

"And don't tell us boring stuff that we don't want to hear. If it's dialog, it better be gripping. So, you were saying?"

"Never mind."

Dialog, in my opinion, should be the high point of a story. It is the point in the movie trailer when the music stops, the camera zooms onto the character's face, there is a dramatic pause, and the movie character says ...

Well, I don't know what the movie character says. That's just it. I know it's going to be something brilliant, or hilarious, or at the very least lewd. And I can't wait to hear what it is. *That's* dialog. And now you know a little secret of mine. When I need a good line, when I need the character to absolutely smash the next bit of dialog, I imagine the scene as a movie trailer. I add music in my head, I let the camera whirl around the characters, then I dolly in for a close up and the character says....

One of them is going to say something. And it damn well better be good.

Try it. It really works for me. If you imagine the line of dialog as a line from a movie trailer it puts you in the right frame of mind. At least it does for me. And it often works. Want proof? Here are a few lines from some of my writings that I came up with using just this technique:

The archer expanded the arc of her swinging bow to include all of them. “I have heard enough Laraytian promises,” she said. “Rape. Torture. Mutilation. I have seen what Laraytian soldiers do to the women of Gracidmar.”

“Aw, don’t take it to heart, luv,” said Shanks smiling. “We do that to all women.”

-- From, The Beast of Maug Maurai, Book One, The Culling

Hammer nodded sagely, drank. “My mum used to say that every lie eats a little ‘a your soul.”

     “She said that, eh? Well, sometimes the truth makes someone feel like horse dung. Did she ever talk to you about lying to make someone feel better?”

     “Aye. She said them lies are even worse. ’cause the person you're telling the lie to knows the truth, deep down. And so, deep down, they know you’re a liar.”

-- From, The Beast of Maug Maurai, Book Two, The Forest

Grae sent everyone away except for Sage. He sat on the ground and gestured for the scout to join him.  Sage knew the look on Grae’s face, spoke before the brig could. “Am I in trouble?”

“Should you be in trouble?” asked Grae.

“I shouldn’t,” said Sage. “And yet, I always seem to be.”

“You’re not in trouble,” said Grae.

“You’re just saying that to prove me wrong.”

-- From, The Beast of Maug Maurai, Book Two, The Forest

"I wish to dance,” she said. “Play for me, fool. Something wild and romantic, fast and meloncholy.”

     Sage took the fiolys and plucked a few strings. “Any suggestions?”

            “Yes,” she said. “I suggest you play well.”  

-- From, The Beast of Maug Maurai, Book Two, The Forest 

Just some fun dialog twists. Maybe not brilliant, but fun and, I think, interesting. 

Don't use dialog to do your menial work. Dialog is the gem in the setting. Use it to make what you have written sparkle. Let yourself enjoy it. Think about the best possible way a character can say what you want him or her to say. The most interesting way.

Too often I see writers using dialog for the "Hello," he said. "Hello," she replied, sort of stuff. We don't need that in dialog. If a character answers a phone, don't put "Hello?" in quotes. I'm pretty sure we're all clear on what answering a phone involves. Unless the character answers it in a truly interesting way. That's what we want to hear. The dialog then will not only entertain, but help to define your character.

He fumbled for the 'answer' button and mumbled,"I need a new proctologist."

 That's all for now. More on dialog a little later.

Thanks for listening.